MORE THAN THE CONTAINER (Part 3)

“…But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ” (Eph 4:15KJV)

Nothing holds people together like communication and in the case of marital relationship, this is not different. Communication is an act of passing thoughts across to each other either in words or in actions. Only the people who talks together stays together, hence this is the only way to know what content is inside any container before it becomes too late. This makes it wise to always set time apart for good communication on relevant issues in a relationship.

In this edition, permit me to show some components to watch out for as you communicate with someone you perceive may soon become your spouse in the nearest future.

i. Understanding

Good understanding will always help you measure and compare the comprehension your partner to your own viewpoints. As we give good observation to reactions in words or in acts mostly exhibited in our day to day living, this makes it easier to know how far a relationship can go. Disagreement may to necessarily mean that one of the two parties is wrong, but may simply reveal that certain principles about our upbringings are too strong to be compromised. This is a clear evidence that you don’t belong together.

In addition, we also need to know that understanding cut across the spirit, soul and body of the individuals involved. As Christian in a relationship, you need to ask yourself questions like; does my partner believes and practice what I believe? For what agreement is Christ with Balial? How free is your partner able to express himself/herself amidst your colleagues and other friends? This will help measure your mental compatibility. You also need to face the reality about how much your partner want both of you to be seen together? Please, don’t expect any “happy ever after” is such relationship which today is full of arguments and differences.

ii. Openness

Openness is the evidence of sincerity and acceptance of the other person in every relationship. How much is your partner willing to tell you about himself/herself without your much persuasion? Is there any subject that he or she is trying to avoid in a course of discussion? Are there occasions you notice him/her trying to change the subject of a discussion? It may be matters concerning family, academics or health. Is might even be about some past relationship with other people. No matter how painful or pleasant it may be, openness demands that both of you have the ability to share it freely without much attachment.

Openness is a clear indication that your partner has seen you as harmless towards what he/she is or has. In other words, for one of the parties to have something to hide is an indication that such individual is only in to use the other in satisfying his/her own selfish needs. The rule is to always be on a watch out for pretence.

iii. Trust (Integrity)

Trust is the custodian of commitment. In any relationship where trust cannot be guaranteed, there is an assurance that disaster and heartbreak are not far from fetch.

I will like to describe trust as an account where one can either make withdrawals or deposits. Deposit is made when you keep to your words with corresponding action, while withdrawal comes as your words goes far from your acts. Note that it is possible to keep withdrawing in an account until it enters debit. Nevertheless, there are certain withdrawals which can be made from bank just once, and such will leave no other hesitation than for the account to be closed.

With my little experience in counseling, I have come to realize that there is no need for a second chance to be entertained in a relationship anytime the man physically abuses his partner. Neither do I also subscribe to infidelity/cheating as a misconduct pardonable more than once. All these are warning signs of what tomorrow holds in stock if caution and correction is not carefully taken today. Whatsoever wrong act you endure in your partner today just for the sake of not loosing him/her (or with the thought that time is not on your side) may eventually become what you will live with in your entire life as long as you are in such relationship.

Scriptural Guide: Amos 3:3, Prov. 19:1, Prov. 24:3,4

(Excel Agboola is a missionary and the President of Newwine Mission Int’l Ghana. He is also the Lead facilitator of “InVoice Unleashed!” – A move dedicated to helping people discovers the best of God in their lives without compromise. Please feel free to share your comment or call for counseling. Contact: excelagboola@yahoo.com, newwinemissions@yahoo.com, +233540897170, +2347060423639).

MORE THAN THE CONTAINER (Part 2)

“A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks. (Luke 6:45NKJV)

There is always a way to see beyond the beauty of a container to the corresponding content present within. When we engage scriptural wisdom, we receive the ability to know what our choice is capable of doing later on even before we commit ourselves into any intimate relationship. We need to know that most heartbreaks and losses suffered later on in marriages doesn’t just start when we noticed, but has always been there showing as warning signs before we enter into such relationships. This is one reason why every relationship that will stand the test of time must be entered into with great sensitivity and eyes wide opened.

“Test all things; hold fast what is good.” (1 Thess 5:21-22NKJV)

For instance, as you look at the side of the container of most products you are about to purchase from a store, there is most likely you find a content table that described the composition of the material present therein. By this means, you have an idea of what the content inside the container looks like. Likewise on the outside every man is a label that converses what is on the inside. This label is called communication.

“While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear” (1 Peter 3:2)

Communication is the way to know whatsoever is inside from the outside. Every mouth will always speak from the abundance of the heart (Luke 6:45). The word “Communication” is derived from the Latin word “communes” which means “common”. Hence it’s a way to help you know what you have in common. Every relationship that will stand the test of time must be ready to encourage adequate communication such that will help both individuals involved have a better understanding of each other’s composition. Communication can be verbal or non-verbal which makes it requires a great deal of caution and sensitivity in order not to be carried away by other frivolous matters in the name of romance. Don’t be surprise that such words like “I love you!”, “You mean a lot to me”, “I can’t do without you” and many others can always be pregnant with more reasons to it only if only you care to confirm.

It is necessary to always have it within yourself a concrete reason why you must be in a union. Through your communication, it is very essential to answer such question like “why is he/she interested in me?” Is it for temporal satisfaction or for material purpose? If your partner is into that relationship because he/she needed a mere company, note that the moment another better company is found, you are most likely to be abandoned. There are many in a relationship in order to satisfy what people are saying. Such relationships have lost its foundation to selfishness and make-believe practices. It is not hard to know who only wants to marry you for children sake in order to know where the “love” will move on to later on. The word “love” is heavy and it is good to know who has the heart to carry it. Through communication you can always know the “why” in a relationship when you carefully listen to what the heart behind the mouth is saying. Join me in the next episode as we share more about this and remember to always love with care!

(Excel Agboola is a missionary and the President of Newwine Mission Int’l Ghana. He is also the Lead facilitator of “InVoice Unleashed!” – An outfit dedicated to helping people discovers the best of God in their lives. Please feel free to share your comment or call for counseling. Contact: excelagboola@yahoo.com, newwinemissions@yahoo.com, +233540897170, +2347060423639).

MORE THAN THE CONTAINER

“…For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (1 Sam 16:7NKJV)

I could remember one of those old adverts of Coca-Cola which normally ends with “liquid content only!”; an adage which does not only describe what we do really buy in a product, but also what keeps us buying it. Relating this to the process of marriage gave me the understanding that man also exhibit such contents and container characteristics. Every buyer is attracted to a product either because of the quality of the content or due to the beauty of the container, and this same way goes every man and woman as they choose their various partners in a relationship.

“While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.” (1 Peter 3:2-4KJV)

I believe the above exhortation was not written by Peter to condemn taking care of our bodies, making of hair styles or wearing of jewelries so as to appreciate the beauty in us. Nevertheless, it was an admonition to help position our hearts towards that which is more important and crucial in any relationship which also may include marriage. It is quite certain that the first characteristic that is observed of any product is the beauty of its packaging. This in most cases often lures consumers to purchasing product they never needed. Moreover, at the point of consumption, buyers may also come to discover that the outer attractiveness fails to match up with the inner substance.

Today, there are countless of marital unions that bear no resemblance with what they looked like in the beginning. Individuals in marriage now see themselves been deceived to buying something different from what was portrayed to them at the start of the relationship. In this series of articles, I will like to share some biblical truth about how to know the content in a container even before it is “opened”. How you can know what your choice is capable of doing later on before any intimate relationship comes in? In most cases we suffer great losses both physically and emotionally when we later discover that what we brought home is “fake” and far from our beliefs earlier on. What is the guarantee that our interest carry on the inside the same thing they represent outwardly before we find ourselves hooked up?

“Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.” (Prov 31:30NKJV)

First of all, please note that your discovery begins with how you set priorities. What is it that comes first in your quest for relationship? If I may ask, what are you looking for in a relationship? Is it the content or the container? Is it a playmate or a helpmeet? Without a doubt God is a God of beauty and looking good is a great virtue to Him. We can all see how the nature declares His handwork and how He made mankind a beauty and a wonder (Ps. 139:14). Nevertheless, both content and container characteristics of man have their own unique places. Containers are meant for attraction while the content brings commitment. Anytime a product is obtained, containers are meant to be returned for recycling; while the content only is meant for consumption. Hence, when we put our total trust in outward appearance, we soon become a subject of disposal. No wonder some beautiful containers still carries the picture of a litter bin with the sign “dispose properly”. Moreover, since character is an internal virtue, this makes it easily coverable with an outer appearance making any “container” lover a subject of deception. Nothing is as deceitful as thinking that the physical beauty of today will give you a true value forever without seeking for how to promote the inner virtue.

You may be surprised to know that larger percentage of men that embrace infidelity in marriage does not do so because they have unattractive wives. In most of the cases, the mistress outside is nothing in compare to the beauty of their spouses. But why will a man leave a beautiful woman at home for whatsoever outside? The truth remains there is something else that keeps a man at home than the beauty of a wife. And in most cases it is the value of the content. Even though beauty is a unique thing that women will never want to loose, showing in lot of resources being spent for maintenance on beauticians and cosmetics everyday, the truth still remains that these activities never stands the test of time.

Have you ever wondered why King Solomon keeps going for more women? It’s evidence that beauty never satisfies a man. If you likewise think it was Esther’s beauty that made her the choice of the king, then you may need to think again and imagine how easy it is to choose the most beautiful girl even if it has to be one candidate each from the one hundred and twenty seven provinces under the kingdom. Moreover, remember that the ex- Queen Vashti does not lost her position for lack of beauty (Esther 1:11); but because she refuse to display it. She lost it on the pedestal of character. What a proof that nothing easily brings a continuous commitment to a relationship like character

One lesson we need to learn here is that whenever we take a look at ourselves and behold how beautiful we are, that isn’t enough! Beauty doesn’t last forever. We might not be able to stop the effect that aging brings on us, nevertheless there is something else more tangible at our disposal that last longer than any outward appearance. That is the content, the character. That is what keeps your spouse by you forever. Even when he/she is tempted to going for other options outside, your content value is what keeps drawing him/her back. The best way to leave yourself forever in the mind of your partner is only through your character and not your beauty. Hence, while we keep renewing our appearance simply for attraction, let’s learn to give more concentration to our character and keep it intact as in the beginning. The truth remains that whatsoever the container looks like later on, the buyer’s commitment remains constant and unchangeable only if the content value is as the same as the beginning.

Permit me to share this illustration with you. Sometimes ago, in a bid for Permit me to share this illustration with you. Sometimes ago, in a bid for Coca-cola to maintain relevance in the face of strong competitors like Pepsi-cola and others, they introduced a product called “Diet Coke” and invested a lot on it, hoping it will enhance their sales and draw in more customers. Contrarily, that same year, Coke was widely rejected resulting in a big loss and almost giving the market over to its rivals. The reason being the “new Coke” has lost the original content value – the “sting” character which gave it its unique taste and its market advantage over other cola beverages. Ever since then, Coke has severally changed the shape and design of its container, but never the content value of the “Classic Coke” again. What a clear demonstration that if there is anything that should be jealously protected in a man’s life, it should be the character – the inner content!

HANGING OUT! (Part 3)

“He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will be destroyed.” (Prov 13:20NKJV)

I wouldn’t like to conclude this teaching without mentioning two individuals in the scripture that dearly pay the price for walking with wrong companies.

Dinah was the only daughter born to Jacob by Leah but was raped by Shechem due to the friendship she had with the strange daughters of the land (Gen. 34). This connotes that even when you have no intention of doing wrong; walking with the doers makes you a potential candidate of such act. If you assume you are so ‘wise’ and will never partake of their evil deed, then such friends switch plan and set you up against your wishes. Mind you, your alliance gave them the chance to do so, also made you to be blame most.

Perhaps the lustful desire of Amnon concerning her half sister - Tamar would have being tamed if not for his friend - Jonadab who counsel him on how to satisfy his immoral cravings (2 Sam. 13). Although both Amnon and Tamar were David’s children, Jonadab stands out as such friends who sees nothing wrong but will help you work out any plan no matter how evil it may be. Friends like Jonadab teaches how to formulate lies, help you out with dresses when you have none to attend parties and sometimes support you financially with tokens in order to show how much they ‘care’.

But the important question still remains “how much are these “friends” ready to stand with you when the consequence comes?” Where was Jonadab when Absalom came to avenge the deed done to her sister two years later? You can’t imagine that Jonadab was the one who came to inform King David about the details of the incident and also tells him not to worry since it is only Amnon that was killed by Absalom. This shows how what seems to look like “helps and supports” from such wrong company is simply bait in disguise.

It is now easy to understand why there is always a wrong guy behind most of our first-time wrong acts; the first time of taking a beer, smoking a cigarette, jumping school classes, attending parties, looking for a girl/guy, trying a kiss, and so many others. We might even be given all sorts of nicknames like “virgin mary”, “jew guy”, “jonny just come” or “mummy’s pet”, all in a bid to incite and make us join the act. And in most cases after the joining, we become the very next victim because such was not part of us in the beginning. No wonder the bible says:

“My son, if sinners entice you, do not give in to them.” (Prov 1:10NIV)

What a lesson for us to learn that if we walk not at the hedge of temptations, it will surely reduce the risk of falling into one.

“Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.” (James 1:13-14KJV)

The company we keep is bound to change us. Someone may be asking; “how then would I minister to unsaved?” Then I will reply such; “what did you discuss whenever you meet with them?” If the subject is not Christ, then you might soon find yourself as their subject. If the basis of your interaction is the gospel, then let nothing else be your focus than the subject of gospel. Wisdom and discretion is highly advised as we carry out the great assignment of evangelism.

In understanding the wisdom for reaching the lost, Jesus admonished:

“Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves. (Matt 10:16KJV)

And what wisdom has the serpent? No matter where it is found, it’s always out for business. It has no time to waste in doing what it knows best doing – striking! It knows fully well that its failure to do the stinging first will surely cost its life. Likewise Christians ought to be wise in delivering the gospel to the lost; carrying the understanding that they we like soldiers in the war front who must never loose focus or else we become the prey to the target.

It is good to know that the desirable strength of the youth is a demonstration of God’s glory and such is meant to be used rightly. There is a lot we can gain with our lives than wasting it with wrong and meaningless associations.

Let’s create the world we desire; let’s paint the future we long to see. Friendship is by choice and never by force. Vow to make the right choice always beginning from today. Your life and future greatly depend on this. See you at the topmost top